Ecliptic Orrery

I haven’t posted since November of 2023 and I’m going to be honest it’s taking a lot to not just close this page and keep avoiding it, but I shouldn’t.

A Summery:

• My mom died May 5th 2024, in Mexico.
• My paternal grandmother passed late August 2024.
• Tonia Died in late April.
• I moved to my childhood home permanently.
• I’ve gotten a job, although part-time.
• Lots of mental health issues.

Life

I really have not been well mentally, the death of my mother was the biggest blow. She was abusive and honestly her death made space for me to finally process it all, which I am not done doing. Tonia’s death almost a year later made for more mental challenges, and compounded existing issues going on inside myself mentally.

For those unaware, I’m a US citizen and my country is a scary joke right now. This absolutely absurd political shit show is really taking a mental toll on anyone with a conscious.

The weather where I am has also been just the right measure of awful that a lack of ability to sleep has plagued my entire region. My issue is so much mucus I can’t breathe through my nose at a constant rate, and when I do take antihistamines, ingesting my mucus causes an insanely painful upset stomach.

This has made it so sleep is hard to get, and when I do sleep, I sleep for most of my time. This has basically eaten tons of my personal life, and made any kind of gaming and modding rarer.

Actual Skyrim Things (ish)

I’ve been modding much slower, and not as much as I want. My stress has had me hyper focusing, and while cool things have come of it, nothing really solid has been posted. I really think my stress has kept me from being properly happy, and I guess my obsession with publishing anything feels like I’m pushing something that will validate me. It’s a bit of a black hole. Even though I enjoy creating mods, I really, really get lost in the process. So instead of making any real solid improvements in small bits, I more so just go for hours on hours and it’s very unhealthy. I’m trying to reign myself in, but my imposter syndrome is so insanely loud and toxic with need to be not necessarily productive, but feel like I’m accomplishing anything at all.

I really am trying to pull myself out of a dredge, but it’s not that simple. I won’t just reiterate things, it just sucks, and I’m trying to be open about it.

Etc.

I don’t think I’ll make a modding update because I really don’t think I have it in me, but know stuff is happening, if only at a slow and healthier pace. I hope whoever sees this gets at least a little calm satisfaction I’m still around.

~ Cyb / Anna